Commitment

Commitment. If you asked me 5 years ago, what commitment was, my response would have been very different from what I would answer now. I probably would have said something like "a committed relationship, when you commit yourself to another person," while not even starting to grasp the magnitude of what it truly is.

I feel so much gratitude for learning commitment by way of being from my partner, as it simultaneously healed so many parts of me that I didn't even know needed healing while also challenging and confronting me and my beliefs about the world.

In 2021, I discovered that all my thoughts about life and the world were just that...thoughts. I remember the amount of freedom I felt the moment I really got that. From the time I was brought into this world, my thoughts about what is and what isn't, what life should look like and shouldn't, was just a culmination of my own thoughts by way of conditioning based on the thoughts of others and the environment I was in. It's wild to me and this realization really gifted me the opportunity of starting to truly choose my own life because it was my choice.

September 21, 2021 - "The greatest thing I ever did was say no to the person I thought I had to be and who I had been pretending to be so that I could finally just sit in the space of discovering me."

I'm learning that my sole purpose on this planet is to become my best and highest self. In that, the world around me and the people surrounding me will be impacted. I have this pet peeve about the culture of trying to figure out why. Why do I do this? Why do I do that? Why do I default to that coping strategy? I think at the root of the "why," the answer is always the same, and the right question to ask is "Where am I giving my power away or perceiving it as being taken?" If my perception is my power is being taken, I'm in victim mode and that is the most powerless place to be. Understanding that my power exists nowhere except within me. I don't gain (or lose) my power from outside sources, it comes from within and my ability to challenge my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in action, in conversation and in being.

And to circle back to commitment -

Commitment is a function of word. Or maybe word is a function of commitment. Or maybe it's both?

Being committed goes beyond a promise, it's taking a stand for something, regardless of what gets thrown at me. Commitment is simultaneously my anchor and my compass. It requires an unwavering dedication and, in that, demands that I am consistently challenging my thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and therefore continues to bring me back into my power. In 2020, I was spinning. Not literally, obviously, but mentally and emotionally, I was just all over the place, trying to do the best I could. I was asked to write down who I am and what I am committed to. And I can say with 100% confidence that I have come back to it almost every single day. So here it is:

I stand for my happiness, and the happiness of Aribella, Adalynn, and Logan. I stand by my belief that we can continue to be a beautiful family even when we are no longer under one roof. I will stand for that even when/if they are unable to see it. I will be the example. The example of what love is, what family is, what acceptance is, and what it means to live a life according to self rather than the expectations of everybody else that surrounds. I stand for my children to grow up in a safe space in which they feel the freedom to openly communicate about whatever they are going through...that they will be heard and received with love. I stand for honesty, and openness, and transparency. And I stand to stay grounded in who I am, grounded in my truth, and to never again lose myself in someone or something else. I stand to no longer take the easy way out just because it's easy.

I have been through...what feels like to me...hell and back. I am still standing, and I will continue to do so. I may fall, but I will always get back up again, and each time I will do so with a little more experience. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is wrong with me. I love to love, I love to learn, I love people, I love conversation, I love exploring. I am in love with my children, and I show up as the best Mother I can be, every single day. I am human, and with that comes imperfections, all of which I am learning to love. I am whole and complete in my uniqueness as the only Amanda Marie Thompson on this earth. I am the creator of my life, I have the ultimate say in how it goes. And I am strong enough to get through whatever gets thrown my way. And I will get through it with my dignity and my grace intact, and continue to remain true to who I am. I deserve to feel free and alive.

In my most unfiltered words - I am so in the love with the man I get to walk through life with. He has shown me every single day since we created our relationship, what commitment is and what it means to be your word. It's been through his commitment, that I have learned more about who I am, and it gave me the space to heal from my codependent nature and show up to our relationship free of insecurity. It's wild. His commitment also keeps me grounded in mine. I respect him, I honor him, and I am inspired by him every day. Gratitude doesn't even do it justice.